Confessions of a Chronic Liar

Forgive me Father for I have sinned:

Confession: My mom's not dead...

Now hold on God, before you strike me with a lightning bolt for this one, let me explain. I am not some sort of sick freak who tells everyone that my mom is deceased just for the hell...heck of it.  Yes, I did say my mom was dead- but in my defense, it was to prove a point.

My co-worker was that popular girl that everyone loved for no reason at all.  Now, why would you love someone for no reason at all, God?! She was the girl who could fart and it would be deemed “cute butt language”.  She was gorgeous, funny, nice to everyone, and smart- EVERY GIRL’S WORST ENEMY-

CAN I GET AN AMEN FROM ALL INSECURE WOMEN OF THE WORLD WHO HATE OTHER GIRLS FOR BEING AWESOME HUMAN BEINGS BECAUSE THEY THEMSELVES WISH THEY COULD BE AWESOME HUMAN BEINGS AND INSTEAD OF STRIVING TO BE AN AWESOME HUMAN BEING THEY HATE OTHERS THAT ARE, IN FACT, AWESOME HUMAN BEINGS!

  

My co-workers all loved her... "She's gorgeous, funny, smart, bla bla bla....” but I think the best explanation was from my one co-worker Ned, who said, “Well her mom died about 10 years ago…so you HAVE to like her." 

Hold up-  WHAT?!?  God I don't want to put you on the spot or anything but how many people would you say die in…let’s say a day?  Okay...let’s keep it rhetorical, you keep that number to yourself God- no need to answer.  Now how many of their loved ones do I have to like because they died?  Yea yea yea, “love thy neighbor”. I get it…I’m a horrible person...but can you play along so I can prove my point?

It suddenly clicked in my brain- everyone was just being nice to her not because she was a truly amazing human being who spoke nothing but kind words of others (walking around all god like...the nerve, right God?)...BUT because her mother had died- and not even recently God, but 10 YEARS AGO! 

So, I simply replied, "Well my mom died too and I don't expect everyone to kiss my feet". –an itsy bitsy little teensy weensy lie…  IT WAS TO PROVE A POINT GOD!!    Well my co-worker went and told HIS mom that MY mom had died and little did I know that HIS mom knew MY mom and was freaking out because she thought MY mom had passed away.  So you can imagine the scolding I got from my mother when HIS mother saw her at work and explained how happy she was that my mother wasn't dead.  So I confess…Whew that felt good to get that off my chest. 

Confession: Let me drink...I'm not pregnant...or engaged...

 So God, you know
 Mary?  Totally relate to the whole Immaculate Conception thing. 

It started off as a joke; three young, punk ass friends doing some hoodlum activities on a Friday night.  That’s right, we were taking “engagement pictures” and updating our Facebook relationship statuses from “single” to “engaged”. 

But we didn’t stop there- we took to the streets with our camera, running into McDonalds and demanding the janitor to get down on one knee and confess his love for me while snapping picture after picture. 

This next bit I’m not proud of God. We posted them on Facebook…and immediately went on Facebook chat to share the news.

We were sick kids God…but in my defense, I told ONE friend on Facebook chat- Just one…she however told everyone else and the news spread like the gospel.  So as far as I am concerned I told one lie to ONE person…the rest just assumed. 

Everyone assummed I was getting married and was pregnant.  They started treating me different- asking me when I was due, asking if they could throw a baby shower, asking about my future janitorial Husband, asking if they could help father the child.  It was….well it was some funny shit God!

Everyone eventually found out the truth…everyone but 2 people…

I was going to tell them God…but my friends that knew the truth told me to keep up the lie…so what was I suppose to do God?  Tell the truth?!    

I tried to just let the rumor die naturally God, so I did ridiculous things that no responsible “mother-to- be” would EVER do.  For instance, the popular game, “punch the baby” where my friends would punch me in the stomach- sometimes with full force to take out their own feelings of  rage and distrust of being duped by me…I was hoping it would be evident that I wasn’t really preggo…but obviously, they just thought I was a sick demented pregnant mother. 

 I even started drinking at a party in front of them hoping that irresponsible actions would scream “I’M NOT PREGNANT” louder than an actual confession…but people are just so bad at reading subtext of actions.  Instead my night totally blew thank you very much because they not only took my $5 cup of PBR from me BUT they also hid it from me!     

God that was the moment I said ENOUGH is ENOUGH…the truth was standing between me and beer…so I confessed…well not that night…but eventually….AND they hated me for months…maybe years…maybe they still do.  I confess God. 



Confession:  I’m not adopted…I just want a muffin

God, I need to know the truth…is my mom my real mother?  My siblings would always tell me I was adopted when I was younger- but whose siblings wouldn’t? 

Seriously God, I look a lot like my Aunt Julie…and I’m wondering if she just pooped me out at a young age- decided she didn’t want to raise something that would turn out to be me in 22 years, and handed me over to Rita Ann Wicke…YOU CONFESS GOD!?  sorry…another rhetorical…don’t feel the urge to answer God- but since you made me look so much like my Aunt, you can’t possibly be upset with me for this next lie.

My Aunt Julie came to my comedy Improv show last year and I decided to play a little trick on my fellow improvisers…I assumed they would find it funny since they are all just, you know, a bunch of funny people.  Plus, they were the ones I lied to about being pregnant and engaged so I assumed they would just know I was punking them again…but they didn’t.

I introduced my Aunt to my fellow improvisers and as soon as she left, I pulled one of them aside and told them I was really upset, “she hasn’t been in my life for years and now she just shows up out of the blue…ugh…that…that wasn’t my aunt- that was my real mom”

So that news spread like the gospel again- everyone became really supportive like friends or something- the next thing I knew, I was in the middle of “a group hug”…of course with a lie comes the truth….and with the gospel, comes the law…The good news spread, then the truth came out…and then they hit me, beat me, told me they would never believe me again…yada yada yada. 

Which brings me to present day- I’m poor, I’m hungry, and I want a muffin.  I could stand out on the street and beg for change or food- but I choose to go the classier route- I instead told the mailman at work that I just found out that I was adopted and that I was really upset about it…and that a muffin would make me feel better…forgive me father…

but it was one good god damn muffin. 

Changing the World

America...are we falling behind? 

The value of an education- "We need affordable education, everyone must be educated!  Education is the cure to all ignorance!  The advancements of the world depend on an EDUCATION!" 

Lets be honest- kids cut class.  They drop out.  Some just don't care.  Teachers always have that annoying child in their class who asks, "Why do I have to learn this?  I will never use/need this!  I'm not going to be a math teacher or anything!"  I have to admit, I haven't used the quadratic formula since high school and  my phone can calculate a tip at a restaurant for me.  Is there some truth to a child's whining cry about school? 

What we need are practical places that these skills will be put to use- and I'm not talking about a profession- I mean the streets.  Let's start with Mathematics.  I'm thinking of a Disney World gone ghetto.  The government buys an entire street that wraps around the school building and names it "MATH ST."  At first, people will be hired to dress up as numbers and live there...but later on, it will become a way of life.  It will be the scariest shit ever...and 6 will really be scared of 7 because 789.  I want kids to have to walk through "MATH ST." everyday and see the practicality of it all.  They'll be waiting for the bus one minute and the next being held up by number 3 and asked for the quadratic equation.  Kids will learn this shit just to survive their walk to and from school.  Of course there will be those kids who decide to avoid school altogether in order to avoid "MATH ST" but that's when we expand the idea and start to incorporate "LANGUAGE ARTS ST." that surrounds their house- everytime they want to leave the house, a person dressed as the letter R will kick the shit out of them until they can name 10 gerunds and recite the definition of "sesquipedalianism".  There will actually be "spelling bees" that fly around " and sting you if you dont know how to spell something.  School just got real..shhhiiit

"When do I need this?  When will I ever use this?" 
Walk outside you little punk ass bitches- that's when you will need this, that's when you'll use this.  Problem solved.

Kristin Wicke for President!

My Leadership skills

Dear University of Wisconsin-Madison Admissions-

I have received your HUGE envelope in the mail thinking it was an acceptance letter to only find out (after gathering my whole family in the kitchen and opening a bottle of wine) that it was a letter informing me that I would have to write yet another essay to further prove myself to your institution.  After crumpling up the letter, burning it in the fire, and dramatically running up to my room and crying on my bed, I decided to swallow my pride and write you your damn essay on how I show leadership in the classroom and in the  community.  Unlike many of your applicants (who you accepted with their FIRST essay) I have been showing leadership skills since a very young age. 
    1. Leadership: Ability to organize- Second grade would probably be the first year that I started to really blossom into a fine leader.  After finding out my 2nd grade crush (who was burdened with being named after oral sex), had a crush on a different girl because of her shiny hair, I took it upon myself to organize a gang to beat the hell out of him.  Most kids my age would have shown affection by poking or calling names- I frickin beat the shit out of the kid- and I left the scene without a single scratch- not one!  That's because I had those second graders eating out of the palm of my hand- leadership baby!  At recess, on my command, my gang of fat rejected 2nd graders were punching and kicking poor little BJ.    
    2. Leadership: Ability to gain followers- Sixth grade is when I really started to gain followers.  Every Monday in our homebase class, our teacher would sit us in a circle and ask us how our weekends went.  This particular Monday I decided that listening to the lame weekend activities of sixth graders was just too pathetic.  When my teacher told us to sit in a circle, I stood up and began chanting "WE DON'T WANT TO! WE DON'T WANT TO! WE DON'T WANT TO!"  Soon the entire class was joining in- my teacher retreated to her desk and cried...I was later screamed at in front of the entire class- she said that "I was the instigator, I was the cause of the revolt in the classroom" What I think she was trying to say was "you are an excellent leader"
    3.  Traits of a Leader: A person who never backs down and stands up against injustice- Junior year in High school is when I learned a valuable trait as a leader- to stand my ground.  As a strong leader, I'm able to sniff out the weak ones and my math teacher just happened to be one.  During his class, I interrupted him, I told jokes- my mom would have explained this behavior as me being really intelligent and just bored in the classroom...that wasn't the case at all- I was just a little shit...The day that I really showed my ability to stand up against injustice was the day that I was kicked out of classroom for turning to my irritable friend and asking her "what's up your butt?".  The next thing I know my math teacher was screaming for me to get out of his classroom- INJUST!  So, I left- but I did not give up- that would be a quiter and I'm a winner.  Instead I sat outside the door and I interrupted that teacher through the vent in the door- when I have important things for the masses to hear, I am unstoppable.  When my math teacher came out to scream at me some more, I gave him a piece of my mind- Kicking ME out of his classroom- I. Don't. Think. So. 
   4.  Traits of a Leader: A person who is able to persuade.  This brings me to Senior year.  My ultimate leadership skills were really shown this year when I was able to trick...er...PERSUADE...my art teacher that it was my birthday that Friday when it really wasn't.  I was able to PERSUADE my teacher to let me go to the bathroom multiple times the Thursday before that Friday and plaster the hallways with flyers inviting the entire school to drop by the art room the next day for a huge celebration in my honor for being born.  I was able to PERSUADE the Principal- who found the flyers and was not too happy- that it wasn't me and that our art teacher was to blame for his lack of authority in the classroom.  My persuasion worked so well that the next day kids were skipping out of classes and asking for bathroom passes to come to my fake birthday party.  My art teacher even bought me a present.  Leadership at its finest. 

So as you can see, I was born a natural leader and I hope your institution accepts me because I'm afraid if you don't, I'll end up attending the University of Minnesota and becoming a Gopher for a year and then transfer to your institution and make you regret not accepting me because of my stellar grades.  I don't want to humiliate your institution by graduating within the top 20% of my major and making you feel like assholes for not accepting me off of my first essay.  Besides, not accepting someone the first year can cause serious damage to them, espeically when they get out into the real world- I could be unemployed for months after graduating because of the hurt of rejection.  Think about that! 

Sincerely,
Kristin Wicke

- Kristin Wicke never wrote this letter.  Instead, 4 1/2 years ago, she crumpled up the HUGE envelope and dramatically ran to her room.  Sadly she became a Gopher her freshman year and later transferred to the University of Wisconsin- Madison.  She graduated in December 2010 within the top 20% of her major and is now sadly unemployed.  If only she would have been accepted with her first essay...