Confessions of a Chronic Liar

Forgive me Father for I have sinned:

Confession: My mom's not dead...

Now hold on God, before you strike me with a lightning bolt for this one, let me explain. I am not some sort of sick freak who tells everyone that my mom is deceased just for the hell...heck of it.  Yes, I did say my mom was dead- but in my defense, it was to prove a point.

My co-worker was that popular girl that everyone loved for no reason at all.  Now, why would you love someone for no reason at all, God?! She was the girl who could fart and it would be deemed “cute butt language”.  She was gorgeous, funny, nice to everyone, and smart- EVERY GIRL’S WORST ENEMY-

CAN I GET AN AMEN FROM ALL INSECURE WOMEN OF THE WORLD WHO HATE OTHER GIRLS FOR BEING AWESOME HUMAN BEINGS BECAUSE THEY THEMSELVES WISH THEY COULD BE AWESOME HUMAN BEINGS AND INSTEAD OF STRIVING TO BE AN AWESOME HUMAN BEING THEY HATE OTHERS THAT ARE, IN FACT, AWESOME HUMAN BEINGS!

  

My co-workers all loved her... "She's gorgeous, funny, smart, bla bla bla....” but I think the best explanation was from my one co-worker Ned, who said, “Well her mom died about 10 years ago…so you HAVE to like her." 

Hold up-  WHAT?!?  God I don't want to put you on the spot or anything but how many people would you say die in…let’s say a day?  Okay...let’s keep it rhetorical, you keep that number to yourself God- no need to answer.  Now how many of their loved ones do I have to like because they died?  Yea yea yea, “love thy neighbor”. I get it…I’m a horrible person...but can you play along so I can prove my point?

It suddenly clicked in my brain- everyone was just being nice to her not because she was a truly amazing human being who spoke nothing but kind words of others (walking around all god like...the nerve, right God?)...BUT because her mother had died- and not even recently God, but 10 YEARS AGO! 

So, I simply replied, "Well my mom died too and I don't expect everyone to kiss my feet". –an itsy bitsy little teensy weensy lie…  IT WAS TO PROVE A POINT GOD!!    Well my co-worker went and told HIS mom that MY mom had died and little did I know that HIS mom knew MY mom and was freaking out because she thought MY mom had passed away.  So you can imagine the scolding I got from my mother when HIS mother saw her at work and explained how happy she was that my mother wasn't dead.  So I confess…Whew that felt good to get that off my chest. 

Confession: Let me drink...I'm not pregnant...or engaged...

 So God, you know
 Mary?  Totally relate to the whole Immaculate Conception thing. 

It started off as a joke; three young, punk ass friends doing some hoodlum activities on a Friday night.  That’s right, we were taking “engagement pictures” and updating our Facebook relationship statuses from “single” to “engaged”. 

But we didn’t stop there- we took to the streets with our camera, running into McDonalds and demanding the janitor to get down on one knee and confess his love for me while snapping picture after picture. 

This next bit I’m not proud of God. We posted them on Facebook…and immediately went on Facebook chat to share the news.

We were sick kids God…but in my defense, I told ONE friend on Facebook chat- Just one…she however told everyone else and the news spread like the gospel.  So as far as I am concerned I told one lie to ONE person…the rest just assumed. 

Everyone assummed I was getting married and was pregnant.  They started treating me different- asking me when I was due, asking if they could throw a baby shower, asking about my future janitorial Husband, asking if they could help father the child.  It was….well it was some funny shit God!

Everyone eventually found out the truth…everyone but 2 people…

I was going to tell them God…but my friends that knew the truth told me to keep up the lie…so what was I suppose to do God?  Tell the truth?!    

I tried to just let the rumor die naturally God, so I did ridiculous things that no responsible “mother-to- be” would EVER do.  For instance, the popular game, “punch the baby” where my friends would punch me in the stomach- sometimes with full force to take out their own feelings of  rage and distrust of being duped by me…I was hoping it would be evident that I wasn’t really preggo…but obviously, they just thought I was a sick demented pregnant mother. 

 I even started drinking at a party in front of them hoping that irresponsible actions would scream “I’M NOT PREGNANT” louder than an actual confession…but people are just so bad at reading subtext of actions.  Instead my night totally blew thank you very much because they not only took my $5 cup of PBR from me BUT they also hid it from me!     

God that was the moment I said ENOUGH is ENOUGH…the truth was standing between me and beer…so I confessed…well not that night…but eventually….AND they hated me for months…maybe years…maybe they still do.  I confess God. 



Confession:  I’m not adopted…I just want a muffin

God, I need to know the truth…is my mom my real mother?  My siblings would always tell me I was adopted when I was younger- but whose siblings wouldn’t? 

Seriously God, I look a lot like my Aunt Julie…and I’m wondering if she just pooped me out at a young age- decided she didn’t want to raise something that would turn out to be me in 22 years, and handed me over to Rita Ann Wicke…YOU CONFESS GOD!?  sorry…another rhetorical…don’t feel the urge to answer God- but since you made me look so much like my Aunt, you can’t possibly be upset with me for this next lie.

My Aunt Julie came to my comedy Improv show last year and I decided to play a little trick on my fellow improvisers…I assumed they would find it funny since they are all just, you know, a bunch of funny people.  Plus, they were the ones I lied to about being pregnant and engaged so I assumed they would just know I was punking them again…but they didn’t.

I introduced my Aunt to my fellow improvisers and as soon as she left, I pulled one of them aside and told them I was really upset, “she hasn’t been in my life for years and now she just shows up out of the blue…ugh…that…that wasn’t my aunt- that was my real mom”

So that news spread like the gospel again- everyone became really supportive like friends or something- the next thing I knew, I was in the middle of “a group hug”…of course with a lie comes the truth….and with the gospel, comes the law…The good news spread, then the truth came out…and then they hit me, beat me, told me they would never believe me again…yada yada yada. 

Which brings me to present day- I’m poor, I’m hungry, and I want a muffin.  I could stand out on the street and beg for change or food- but I choose to go the classier route- I instead told the mailman at work that I just found out that I was adopted and that I was really upset about it…and that a muffin would make me feel better…forgive me father…

but it was one good god damn muffin.