Girls would allege that they didn’t poop- what a load of shit!
After years of holding it in throughout high school and waking up at odd hours during college to use the dormitory stalls when they were not occupied, I decided enough was enough. I am proud to say that I poop not once, but two times a day at work. I’m still not what you might call a “proud pooper”- I don’t excuse myself from a conversation saying “I’m sorry, can this meeting wait? I have to take a poop” In fact, I’m the one who stole the bathroom key to the locked restroom because asking for it from the receptionist and disappearing for 15 minutes or more was just too obvious that I was vomiting from my butt.
There is a strategy to pooping at work and I hope that everyone can learn from mine if you are one of those shy poopers. For one thing, if there are multiple restrooms on your floor, I would choose the one with the most stalls. The worst scenario is that you will be taking a dump in a two person stall and there will be a line that forms- you mine as well come out of your stall and take a poop right in front of everyone because there is no way to keep your identity secret at this point. I’ve had this situation happen before- college- two person stall- massive diarrhea- just hawking a loogie from my butt hole- class of 300 some students gets out- line for the bathroom…and you can’t just sit in there because the stench will eventually kill you.
Another reason to pick a restroom with multiple stalls is in case you end up farting in the toilet. This often happens when you feel a bit constipated and you start to push real hard and a little toot comes out instead. This is very dangerous, because if you are like me, you will hold your breath for a few minutes thinking it will make you invisible. For the sake of your identity, DO. NOT. DO. THIS! You risk passing out on the toilet seat which would lead to someone breaking down your bathroom stall, seeing you with your pants down and revealing whatever gift you left in the toilet. It’s just way too dangerous for your identity.
Now here is the real strategy of pooping at work- always go to the handicapped stall. Push aside the people in wheelchairs-that bathroom wasn’t made for only them- its main purpose is to protect the identities of those that poop. How does it do this? For one thing, the size of the stall allows for feet to remain hidden from other people in other stalls. For instance, perhaps you are looking really fly in your red pumps that day and your co-workers come up to you and say, “Hey, you look really fly with those red pumps- those are really MEMORABLE”--if anyone were to see those shoes in a stall, the jig would be up. EVERYONE would know that you, girl with the red pumps, are laying a big one in the toilet. Also, the bigger space allows for you to do full length sit ups on the toilet to help your bowl movements pass faster. If you have never tried doing a sit up on a toilet, you should. That little poop ball that felt like the size of Texas will come out with much more ease- and you will get a little ab workout as well.
Now go out into public places and poop! And be considerate…yea I’m talking about you crippled people who just have to take a pee- think of others for once before using that handicapped stall you feel sooooo entitled to.
