Kristin Lee Wicke- Taking on Corporate America

Kristin Lee Wicke- taking on Corporate America- pants suits and brief cases- meetings and executives- an unprofessional in a professional environment. 



Corporate Magazine says: “where did they get her from? What a freak show”

Muckies and Yuppies says: “she is a disgrace- a total disgrace for what we stand for”

Reasons I don't fit within Corporate America:

1. My hair-

From the first time I put on my pant suit to go to the interview, I knew, my hair did not fit in. From the shoulders down, I looked great- my pant suit cost me a whole $70- that was 2 weeks worth of pay from my job at the time of shoveling up dog shit...that $70 pant suit had better look good. My hair however, was using some cheap $11 shampoo- how could I expect more from it? I was banking on a midget to interview me or even better, a blind person- they would either only see my clothes or nothing at all and I would be hired instantly based on my bubbly personality and my hair would not scare them away. My hair has always had a mind of its own- In a way, I like to think my hair is a reflection of my personality- wild, big, and unpredictable. The pant suit and the hair clashed instantly...the interviewer was 5’6” and had full vision-

                                        

This is how I picture my hair on that first day

My hair= reason #1 I do not fit into Corporate America



2. The Security Guards:

My first day in the building was the day of my interview. I was super nervous and had no idea where to go, so naturally I decided to follow the herd of corporate cattle and walk hurriedly past the security guards. As the alarms went off, I realized I did something wrong- as my herd left me; I was stopped by security- I did not have a security badge. The security guard, Kevin, made me come to the side and interrogated me for what seemed like an hour- it went something like this:

Kevin: "what's your name?"

Me: "Kristin"

Kevin: "what's your last name?"

Me: "Oh, sorry, Wicke- my name is Kristin Wicke..."

*silence*

Me: "I'm really nervous...in fact I have some major pit stains going on right now...gawd and my hair...is it a mess? The humidity...makes me look like a black woman...*observes the security guard is black*...crap...I mean- nothing wrong with a black woman's hair...just you know- it's big...crap...ugh...man is it hot in here?"

Kevin: "Ma'am- what are you on?"

Me: "WHAT?...what am I on? ...nothing?"

Kevin: "You're not taking any drugs?"

Me: "No...WHAT?...no...gawd you should have seen me in high school- straight as an arrow...no sex drugs or rock and roll...*nervous laugh as I elbow the security guard* I tried pot in college- but I am immune...for real- I had to fake being high once just to fit in...no siree- no drugs for me. I'm just high on life!"

Kevin: "Ma'am may I suggest you lay off the caffeine- you are freaking the heck out of me- and you are bound to freak the people out who are potentially going to hire you"



Let’s just say I had some major confidence going into that interview...



                                  

Does this look like a person who would be “on something”?

I’m “on something”= reason #2 I do not fit into Corporate America



3. Yelling and dancing in the office:

I'm a creative type- a performer if you will. I love dancing, making weird voices, and just being goofy. I work at the headquarters of our company- CEOs, CFOs, the whole kitten and caboodle. I once told my co-worker that I didn't read an executive's email and he tackled me to shut my face because he was so scared an executive would hear of my bad conduct. My job title is office administrator- in The Middle Ages, this would translate to "peasant"...in 1800's- "slave"...in 2012 it simply translates to "bitch". I stock refrigerators, coffee, order office supplies, and lift boxes- its not glorious in the least, but it pays rent-so who am I to complain? The one day we had a rather large shipment of boxes come in, and I had to load them all onto a shelving unit so the floor would be cleared of all clutter- (major brain power here). After I got done I started running around the office supply room, flexing my muscles and grunting to show off my physical accomplishment. Little did I know there was a very important meeting going on in the other room and a co-worker had to leave the meeting because everyone was complaining of a "gorilla like sound" coming from the office supply room...aka ME! I was scolded for being too loud and not conducting myself in a professional manner. When you work with boxes and coffee all day, sometimes you just need to grunt.



                                         

                                    This is basically what happens when I lift anything heavy



I’m an animal= reason #3 I do not fit into the corporate world



Stocking coffee= talking coffee:

Every morning I have to stock the coffee rooms. We order very expensive coffee that comes in individual packets that have to be torn off of a plastic device. It is probably the simplest task that I have to do, and yet people think it is very difficult. I've had numerous people come up to me and say, "wow, you do a really good job tearing that coffee off of that plastic device, I know I could never do that". Isn't that just the nicest compliment ever? SARCASM SARCASM SARCASM!!  People in our office assume I have no college degree, that this task of pulling coffee off of a highly wasteful plastic device that could easily be performed by a severely retarded monkey is a task that no one but I can perform. It's hard not to get mouthy, which is what I usually do- or I simply put on a little kid voice and look at them dumbly saying "thanks" and walk off like I have a full diaper. It's interactions like this that may get me fired. This brings me to my least favorite activity-talking about coffee in general. I love how everyone that comes into the break room and sees me filling coffee assumes that I know everything about coffee and that I get off, and I mean really, get off, on talking about coffee.

-"So, what's your favorite flavor?

-"What's the most popular flavor?

-"I bet we go through this coffee a lot...must keep you busy huh?



First, off- I am a human being- I like to talk about things that other human beings like talking about. Like sports...how about those NY Tigers? Politics... are you voting for Bush this year? Health...I've been pooping after every meal!...That was all wrong wasn't it...and awkward....damn it...who am I kidding!  Well…my favorite flavor is the Dove Hot chocolate- morning roast is the most popular- it’s a light blend and I think it has the most caffeine which is what people generally drink in the morning...yes we do go through a lot of coffee...BUT I'M A REAL HUMAN BEING DAMN IT!



Coffee doesn’t get me off= reason #4 I do not fit into the corporate world



Answering the phones in a professional manner:

I work reception for an hour which is my favorite part of the day.  It consists of sitting on g-chat for an hour and answering phones in different voices.  One day I decided to play a prank on a co-worker and so I pretended I was on the phone and was having a fight with a supplier:



“NO SIR YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!” *Slams down phone*



Little did I know the CEO would be walking by just as I did that…



Pranksters don’t impress= reason #5 I do not fit into the corporate world



Talking to co-workers in a professional manner:

We have two bathrooms on our floor.  One has a security code and has about 4 stalls in it.  The other requires a key to enter and has about 10 stalls.  As a passionate pooper in the office, I know that the key access bathrooms are place you want to go to poop.  No one goes out of their way to grab the key and unlock the door if they just have to pee.  It’s just a fact- if you need to pee, you will go into the code access bathroom.  I had an inside sales co-worker come up to the reception desk and ask for a bathroom key- we were out of them, so I told him he would have to use the coded bathrooms.  He replied that he didn’t like the bathroom with the code- it felt too claustrophobic for him and the toilet paper felt rougher on his butt hole compared to the exact same 1 ply sandpaper toilet paper in the key access bathroom.  My response:



“You have to take a shit don’t you!?  You have to take a huge dump and you are embarrassed to do it in the smaller bathroom because you don’t want everyone knowing that you are taking the crap!”



He has never asked for a bathroom key again- but I am also sure he has warned everyone in the office about me. 

              I’m familiar with the “I NEED TO POOP” look…and this guy surely had the look



I’m a social nightmare= reason #6 I do not fit in the corporate world



She’s climbing in your windows so hide your corporations, hide your executives- so you can run and tell that!